The 4th Freedom...

The 4th of July. A day to celebrate freedom. I live in the United States of America and am grateful for my country.

I honor service people, watch parades, pack up my family, go to the park, and watch fireworks. I love all of the festivities. The day is fun and fills up quickly with good memories. 

Along with a throng of people, I stand to sing our national anthem, and hold my hand over my heart. My eyes fill with tears. I am thankful to live in this country. I am thankful for my freedom.

 At the culmination of festivities; I paused. Freedom. 

What does it mean to be free? Really free?

God spoke to me about a different kind of freedom. All around the world there are people who live in countries that are not free. Not free as we understand freedom. And yet, some of those people are far freer than those living in the U.S.A.

Freedom is rooted in truth. Jesus spoke to us plainly: “And you will know the truth [regarding salvation], and the truth will set you free [from the penalty of sin].” John 8:32 AMP. 

Freedom is not rooted in a location, it is rooted in a Person. 

And the beautiful truth is that a belief in Jesus, as Savior and Lord, 

means we no longer face punishment for a life that dishonors God. 

Every single lie, moment of unkindness, morsel of gossip, every act of selfishness...we are free from its penalty. His death. Our freedom. The ultimate act of selflessness. He took our place.

Jesus the Savior...He is setting people free in communist countries, in places with brutal dictators, in prison cells, or in areas where few outsiders travel. His truth sets us free. Yes; He is our freedom.

I am thankful to live in a free country. I am grateful that my freedom remains preserved because of faithful people who care about my homeland. Yet I am more grateful for my Savior, and the freedom that He brings. Because His freedom is available for everyone. He loves the whole world...not just my small slice of it.

It is so inclusive...so liberating! The world can be free, truly free. And we can celebrate this freedom not just one day out of the year, but every single day of our sacred lives.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the worst Mom of them all? 

And with all of the condemnation and judgement the mirror could muster, it landed its hurtful blow. You. 

Snow White is no match for you.

The car is relatively quiet. Our Vacation Bible School CD is playing some of our favorite tunes. Occasionally I hear my 5 year old say, “Mom, look at this” as a picture book is turned toward me for my enjoyment. My frequent response, “I can’t look while I’m driving.” I cannot help but remember how my husband talked of his experience while driving our daughter to kindergarten. He spoke of laughter, singing, learning new things, talking.

Our family dog begins neurotically jumping from the front of the car to the back. I am getting increasingly agitated as I push him in his seat. Why did I ever think it a good idea to bring this untrained dog? My tone is obviously impatient and filled with frustration as I attempt to demand obedience through my exasperation.

We arrive at school. As if in a fairytale, I attempt an idyllic goodbye scene. Am I delusional or simply unwilling to acknowledge the tension permeating the car?

“Mom, just drop me off”, my daughter says with an air of independence and a hint of anxiety. Feeling so flustered I do not even know how to make that happen. The parking lot is full. The dog is still on the move. My anger at the dog is mounting. And I am still delusionally clinging to my desire for an idyllic goodbye moment.

In the middle of my outburst my ears flood with her S.O.S. cry. “Mom. Listen to the song. Do you hear the song Mom? It’s so peaceful. It’s so much more fun when you’re peaceful.”

Pause. Enter time warp. The world shifts into slow motion around me.

When is it ever appropriate for a 5 year old to feel it necessary to bring calm to a parent?

I sought her forgiveness and then I drove home in tears. The heaviness; unbearable. My internal world seemed shipwrecked on a sailboat being tossed about in a gale wind. I could not keep up with all of the thoughts flooding my mind.

Quit. Quit. Quit. Quit every single thing you are doing outside of taking care of your little family. It’s all I could think about as feelings of failure overtook my being.

And then, seeing my complete vulnerability, the deeper darkness came in with its razor sharp harpoon.

She will need therapy because of you. She will never see God accurately because of you. She will disconnect from you and live in fear of you. When you are old she won’t spend time with you.

And. Then. He. Spoke.

Look at all of those accusations. What is the common word? I looked at the words on the journal page as if searching for buried treasure.

You.

The answer. It is you. And that is not the answer.

When did I become so powerful?

When did my daughter’s life trajectory depend on me?

I repented of my actions before the Lord. I wept in His presence and confessed my inadequacies. I talked to Him about the stress I carry because I have yet to learn how to set and maintain healthy margins. My Lord and I talked about how this stress manifests in my family in ugly ways that need to change.

I am not proud of that moment in the car. But that moment does not define me or my daughter’s future. And. That. Is. The. Truth.

As a parent I have an incredible responsibility to model Christlike behavior before my child. God has given me the opportunity to be His representative in her life. And sometimes I will fail. But my failures are never the final word.

God is writing His story of redemption through both of us. He started a good work in both of us and He will finish it. But it will not be complete until Jesus returns for us (Php 1:6).

God knows the happenings of yesterday, today, and tomorrow (Ps 139:16). That means He knew about today’s epic Mom failure moment. And that is liberating. It is just a moment.

My great hope is to pick her up from school and have a different kind of moment.

A moment where God shines and peace fills the air.

When you hear the darkness speak, remember that the word you is a weapon meant to paralyze us with fear and keep us focused on self. God holds us and our children in His hands. Our futures belong to Him and His good plans.

Our lives are made up of moments. Just moments. And if God can raise the dead, He can heal a moment. So today, dear Masterpieces, know that the God who calls you by Name is doing a beautiful work in you...moment by moment.

Grief and Truth: Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. It is a day of celebration. Mostly.

There was a moment in 1989 that changed the course of my life. Doctors informed me that the loss of my ovaries meant that I would be unable to have children. At 19 I did not fully grasp the ramifications of those words.

Fast forward to the end of 1993. I met and eventually fell in love with an amazing man of God. Suddenly, that fateful moment in 1989 collided with the present moment.

Sam loves the Lord with his entire being. As a teenager he committed his life to the ministry. He waited and prayed for God to send him a woman who shared his passion for Jesus, as well as a desire for a life in ministry. He found that in me. Yet somehow...I felt unworthy and flawed.

Questions flooded my mind. What plagued me most; wonderment at Sam’s capacity to accept my inability to bear him children of his own. He loved children. I knew he held the honored position of favorite uncle.

After many discussions, Sam at 22 and me at 27, determined to make several covenants between ourselves and the Lord. We agreed that God had His hand on our lives for a specific and unique purpose. We felt a calling to unite and make an eternal difference in people’s lives. In faith, we agreed to accept my infertility. Sam committed to never hold it against me. And finally, we covenanted to trust the Lord with our hearts and any future grief.

I found it easier to celebrate Mother’s Day as a younger woman. Most in my circle of friends still had Moms to celebrate and had not yet started their own families. Somehow I still fit within a perceived societal norm.

As the years passed, and married friends began their families, my grief activated. I also began to feel silently guilty for being unable to give Sam a family of his own. 

Once a day of celebration, Mother’s Day embarked on its descent toward 

the dreaded day of humiliation.

As the humiliation and shame flooded my soul, two choices arose. I could either embrace my grief and believe the truth, or be miserable. As odd as it sounds to make a choice toward misery, it is actually the easier choice. I knew this because misery had been my companion over the years. With misery by my side, I believed I could harden my heart, protect myself from future pain, and avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings and people. And most importantly, it allowed me to bypass dealing honestly with my beliefs about God’s goodness.

I made the difficult choice. I chose to embrace my grief. To feel it. To sit with it. 

And, I began my journey toward the truth.

It is difficult to intermingle grief and truth. Truth involves selflessness. I hugged and laughed with friends announcing pregnancies while simultaneously sitting with my sadness. I lavishly celebrated at baby showers while feeling the sting of isolation and pain. I willingly accepted the invitation to place my hand on a friends belly, while feeling the emptiness of my own womb. I expressed my heartfelt “Happy Mother’s Day” to Moms at church, while feeling conspicuously passed over as they all stood to be honored with flowers.

It is anticipated and even the norm for women to bear their own children and become Moms. Really, it is almost expected. As the proverbial biological clock ticks we often hear people counting down the minutes on our behalf. After all, God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). God speaks highly of the family. After all, He did institute it, right?

But please hear me. As infertile women, we are not flawed. We are not lacking. We are not less than. There is no clock ticking in the universe that will time out and somehow prove to us that we have missed our most significant calling. And our families, if instituted through adoption, foster care, or any other unconventional means, are not inferior.

As we sit in that space of embracing life as it is, may we dive deeply into this truth. As women, we share something profoundly more valuable in common. We are all children of God (Galatians 3:26). He made every one of us amazing women in His image (Genesis 1:27). He has a daily plan for our lives (Psalm 139:16).

Dearest woman of God; believe the truth. We have purpose for being here whether or not we ever have children. “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:10). Notice what it does not say; as Moms you will do this or accomplish that. No, no. A thousand times no.

As a masterpiece, you have been uniquely created with the talent, personality and gifts necessary to do something profound in this world. Whatever. That. Is. You are His daughter. He delights in you.

Do not let the culture dictate your truth or this world influence how you view yourself. God has conferred a value on you that cannot be shaken, stolen, or altered. You are His masterpiece! And it is this truth, that in my infertility, has kept me journeying toward God and not hiding in shame.

I chose to embrace my life as an infertile woman and live into the purposes and plans of God for me. Whatever. They. Might. Be. And during that 16 year season of learning to embody grief, selflessness, and the truth of my worth, God used me to do significant and lasting things in this world. Yes, He is good.

For further reflection see the post entitled The Jesus Room.

The Porn Star & the Mime

The headline read "Monrovia victim ID'd as porn actress". Naturally it caught my attention b/c I live right near Monrovia in Southern CA. As I read about her, I processed through the ache in my heart as I thought about her life. I wondered if she had any self respect, or if she understood her value. From the first line I was left emotional. However, nothing could have prepared for me for the final paragraph of the article.

Have you ever heard of Brian Randone? He gradated from Moody Bible Institute where my husband Sam went to school. He also went to a divinity school in TX. He is a preacher with a website that talks about hell. He is this amazing mime who travels all over teaching, through pantomime, about how the little sins left in our life become unmanageable, burdensome, big sins if we don't deal with them...oh wait...let me clarify...he used to preach and travel...now he's in jail for torturing and murdering his girlfriend...the porn star. Really?

The end of this story was very unsettling because it hit too close to home. Here was a guy who graduated from 2 very conservative, upstanding Bible schools. He was in ministry; ministry that highlighted the dangers of secret sin. He knew his Bible well, and he had given his life to serving Christ. So what went wrong?

When evil happens, when people of faith turn away, only God has the answer to the question, "why?" I will never be able to know Brian's heart. I don't believe I am capable of making sense of this tragedy. However, I can make a choice today that will help keep me from becoming another casualty. Let's wade deeply through the Scriptures and get some God insights! What is He teaching us?

Ro 8:31-39 - What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?...No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

1 John 1:9 - But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.

John 13:34 - So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.

1 Co 10:13 - The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

Matt 6:33 - Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

Ja 4:7 - So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Ro 12:1-2 - And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Ro 7:18-25 - And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

Eph 6:10-18 - A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

Heb 12:28-29 - Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping him with holy fear and awe. For our God is a devouring (consuming) fire.

Ja 5:16 - Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

Ja 5:19-20 - My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins.

Join me in asking the tough questions:

• His love - do you bask in His love for you? Seriously...do you spend time thinking about how much He loves you??
• Our sin - do you understand what it cost our God to bring forgiveness to us?
• Understanding forgiveness - do you really believe and relish the truth that your confession before the Lord brings forgiveness, freedom and healing from sin? Or, do you beat yourself up over your sin, lose heart, and give up?
• Our posture before Him - are you humble and dependent or prideful and independent? Are you overflowing with thankfulness or spilling over with complaining?
• Our choice: Self-centered or God-centered - do you live to please yourself, or the One who called you by name?
• Accountability/Confession - are you willing to tell others when you're struggling, confess your sins, and be held accountable?
  

As I laid down the newspaper I was reminded of my humanness and frailty...and my deep need for Jesus. Somewhere along Brian's journey he lost his first love...and it cost him his freedom...and his life. Please God...keep my feet from evil (Prov 4:27). Amen.

GrafittiedSoul...

Ephesians 4:29

Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

As I was trying to wrap my mind around the concept of bullying, the Lord gave me the word GraffittiedSoul. It is an interesting word because it portrays the core and the depth of bullying. We all have a soul. And everyday people are writing on it. What they write creates a wall of words. And then I pondered...what does that wall look like? For some of us, it feels like a spray painted wall full of words intended to hurt or wound. It's the epitome of bullying....someone seeking to leave their distinguishing mark behind....yet it finds its place not on a wall, but on our very souls.

As I think of the wall, I picture 4 types of people and the graffiti playing out in their lives. Although categories seem to trivialize the significance of each individual life affected, for the sake of understanding, categorization is necessary. In understanding the GraffitiedSoul it is important to look through the lens of the archetype: the bully, the bullied, the bystander, and the brave.

There are those whose disposition creates in them a need to take their wall of graffiti and turn it on others. These bullies have no intention of going down alone. Because of their own pain and self loathing, they seek to create walls of graffiti that will deflect away from their own wall of pain. The cultivation of an empathetic heart is a choice weapon for waring against the lies that instigate the destructive behaviors.

The bullied are those who have a wall full of words...the wounding is often deep and significant. They have a difficult time escaping the painted images. If truth does not find their hearts, they are left feeling helpless, hopeless, depressed, or even suicidal.

The bystander may or may not have a GraffitiedSoul. However, their inability to stand securely and contend for the victims often comes from a deep seeded apprehension that they will become the recipient of graffiti. Honestly, how easy is it to be vulnerable and open up to a barrage of words that will leave an imprint on the soul? A desire to love at all costs will give them the ability to stand victorious.

And the brave are those who stand securely, unwilling to be pushed into a place of silence. They may or may not have a GraffitiedSoul, but nonetheless, they have made a firm decision to utilize their words to help eradicate the graffiti of the world. They are willing to stand with the bullied, love a bully, and speak truth over a wounded soul. Their words of truth are like fresh paint over the badly marked areas.

Wherever you find yourself today, know that Jesus is among the brave! He has the ability to paint beautiful strokes of vibrant colors over the Graffiti of your Soul. In submitting to the artwork He paints over my life, I no longer live with a wall of Graffiti, but a beautiful canvas of praise!