A Life Worth Sharing...

Screaming and giggling. Kids everywhere. Parents interacting. Sometimes trying to rest against a wall and escape the whirlwind. The sheer delight and terror of a kids birthday birthday.

I began a conversation with a quiet woman next to me. It seemed as if the Spirit of God ushered me into a sacred space and whispered, “share your stories.” And so it began. So many stories. One after the other.

After introducing myself I told of Elizabeth’s adoption. The open invitation encompassing our home. The beauty of a welcoming and safe community we offer Chinese immigrants. The Africans studying in the States who find in our home a place of respite and laughter. Our church. The 250 people who worship together. And the 23 different languages spoken by the members. The birthday parties for 180 people. 180 people comprising homeless families, neighbors, school friends, or a single Mom befriended at a grocery store. The inability to pay bills and the knocks at the door. The words. God told me to give you $2,000. $500. The inclusive nature of our lives. 

No matter who you are. You matter to God. You matter to us.

Her eyes grew wide. Wonder evident in her gaze. Her face softened. She smiled. The smile remained through our conversation. She finally remarked, “I am not a Christian, but your life has touched me. You do so much for others.”

It is in these moments that I sense the pleasure of God. I am witness to my obedience. It is a life lived out of who He has made me.

In these conversations I know who I am...and Whose I am. I sense the wonder of being His masterpiece. I know the joy of walking in my gifting. Of fulfilling my purpose. 

I am doing those things that He prepared for me in advance.

My life intersected her life. God knew her story. He knew how and who would best communicate His heart to her. He chose me.  

Each preceding moment helps me to be more aware. More present. And more available. I am ready, willing and confident in my story. Because it is His story lived through me. His gifting lived from within me.

As I live out of my gifting each day, I collect stories to use for another day. History builds. 

Moment. By. Moment.

I am a collector of moments. Of stories. And my deepest desire is to live fully in each moment. Intentionally being His masterpiece. And witnessing the power of God at work in and through me. Changing history. One life at a time. One story at a time. As His Masterpiece.

Grief and Truth: Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. It is a day of celebration. Mostly.

There was a moment in 1989 that changed the course of my life. Doctors informed me that the loss of my ovaries meant that I would be unable to have children. At 19 I did not fully grasp the ramifications of those words.

Fast forward to the end of 1993. I met and eventually fell in love with an amazing man of God. Suddenly, that fateful moment in 1989 collided with the present moment.

Sam loves the Lord with his entire being. As a teenager he committed his life to the ministry. He waited and prayed for God to send him a woman who shared his passion for Jesus, as well as a desire for a life in ministry. He found that in me. Yet somehow...I felt unworthy and flawed.

Questions flooded my mind. What plagued me most; wonderment at Sam’s capacity to accept my inability to bear him children of his own. He loved children. I knew he held the honored position of favorite uncle.

After many discussions, Sam at 22 and me at 27, determined to make several covenants between ourselves and the Lord. We agreed that God had His hand on our lives for a specific and unique purpose. We felt a calling to unite and make an eternal difference in people’s lives. In faith, we agreed to accept my infertility. Sam committed to never hold it against me. And finally, we covenanted to trust the Lord with our hearts and any future grief.

I found it easier to celebrate Mother’s Day as a younger woman. Most in my circle of friends still had Moms to celebrate and had not yet started their own families. Somehow I still fit within a perceived societal norm.

As the years passed, and married friends began their families, my grief activated. I also began to feel silently guilty for being unable to give Sam a family of his own. 

Once a day of celebration, Mother’s Day embarked on its descent toward 

the dreaded day of humiliation.

As the humiliation and shame flooded my soul, two choices arose. I could either embrace my grief and believe the truth, or be miserable. As odd as it sounds to make a choice toward misery, it is actually the easier choice. I knew this because misery had been my companion over the years. With misery by my side, I believed I could harden my heart, protect myself from future pain, and avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings and people. And most importantly, it allowed me to bypass dealing honestly with my beliefs about God’s goodness.

I made the difficult choice. I chose to embrace my grief. To feel it. To sit with it. 

And, I began my journey toward the truth.

It is difficult to intermingle grief and truth. Truth involves selflessness. I hugged and laughed with friends announcing pregnancies while simultaneously sitting with my sadness. I lavishly celebrated at baby showers while feeling the sting of isolation and pain. I willingly accepted the invitation to place my hand on a friends belly, while feeling the emptiness of my own womb. I expressed my heartfelt “Happy Mother’s Day” to Moms at church, while feeling conspicuously passed over as they all stood to be honored with flowers.

It is anticipated and even the norm for women to bear their own children and become Moms. Really, it is almost expected. As the proverbial biological clock ticks we often hear people counting down the minutes on our behalf. After all, God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). God speaks highly of the family. After all, He did institute it, right?

But please hear me. As infertile women, we are not flawed. We are not lacking. We are not less than. There is no clock ticking in the universe that will time out and somehow prove to us that we have missed our most significant calling. And our families, if instituted through adoption, foster care, or any other unconventional means, are not inferior.

As we sit in that space of embracing life as it is, may we dive deeply into this truth. As women, we share something profoundly more valuable in common. We are all children of God (Galatians 3:26). He made every one of us amazing women in His image (Genesis 1:27). He has a daily plan for our lives (Psalm 139:16).

Dearest woman of God; believe the truth. We have purpose for being here whether or not we ever have children. “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:10). Notice what it does not say; as Moms you will do this or accomplish that. No, no. A thousand times no.

As a masterpiece, you have been uniquely created with the talent, personality and gifts necessary to do something profound in this world. Whatever. That. Is. You are His daughter. He delights in you.

Do not let the culture dictate your truth or this world influence how you view yourself. God has conferred a value on you that cannot be shaken, stolen, or altered. You are His masterpiece! And it is this truth, that in my infertility, has kept me journeying toward God and not hiding in shame.

I chose to embrace my life as an infertile woman and live into the purposes and plans of God for me. Whatever. They. Might. Be. And during that 16 year season of learning to embody grief, selflessness, and the truth of my worth, God used me to do significant and lasting things in this world. Yes, He is good.

For further reflection see the post entitled The Jesus Room.

Choosing to Flourish...

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11, an often used Scriptural encouragement, is only relevant and meaningful if you read and grapple with the context of this promise. This encouraging promise was written for a people struggling within a season of suffering...hardship...a time of displacement and uncertainty. God's people were living in captivity; a place difficult to call "home". 

God told the children of Israel that it would be 70 years...yes seventy years, before He would, in essence, rescue them out of captivity and bring them back to their true place of residence. Ugh…what a long season. Yet in the midst of their captivity, God invited them to flourish. He instructed them to eat from their gardens, marry, build homes, have children and grandchildren, and to pray for their community. During their season of waiting...during this time of sitting within hardship...He invited them to keep living...to participate in things that are life giving. He knew that this was only possible if they prepared their hearts to settle in...to stay. 

We often miss the wonder of today's pain because our focus is on anticipated future release. While we long for dancing...we forget that the sweet and jubilant steps of dancing are birthed after a season of mourning. Yet in His faithfulness, God reminds us of what it is to thrive through each moment. 

There is a significant difference between "making the best of it" and "flourishing". Making the best of it tends to have negative connotations; as if one must endure almost needlessly. Flourishing infuses purpose within waiting and difficulty. It breaths life over difficulty as it invites us to bloom where we are planted and become beautiful amidst the trials we face.

While we sit in these hard places, we can choose to hold our hands open wide in sweet release and focus our thoughts on the God who understands our pain…the One who is acquainted with suffering…the One who Himself wished for things to be different. As we listen to His words, as recorded in Mark 14:36, may we find strength in similar verbiage. “Abba, Father,” He cried out, “everything is possible for You. Please take this cup of suffering away from Me. Yet I want Your will to be done, not Mine.” 

Beautiful Masterpieces…Choose life. Bloom where you’re planted. It’s not just about surviving…it’s about thriving! It’s about fiercely flourishing!! And we can choose it!

Some Things Never Change...

In March of 1988 I asked Jesus to be my Savior. In July of 1988 I vacationed with my family in Frankfort MI. I was a brand new believer...had little sense of what it meant to have Christian friends or to be a part of God's family. I knew that I really wanted to attend church while on vacation, so I looked in the phone book (yep we did that back then) for a Bible Church. I was so excited to find one nearby! I made my way to worship on Sunday and found myself driving down an old country road and then standing in front of a teeny tiny wooden church! As I entered, I met people who were so full of love! They took me in as if they'd been waiting for my arrival for years! Pastor Dan became my first Pastor and Betty provided an introduction to the concept of an older woman mentor. The people genuinely enjoyed my excitement for the Lord and appreciated the hearty AMEN's that I let ring out...and oh how they reverberated off of the walls and filled up that tiny little church! Some of the members faithfully picked me up for Sunday night service, Wednesday night service, and any special event happening during the week. I LOVED my summer with them!

Imagine my delight when I visited again...in 2014! Though the tiny little church was gone, so much else had remained exactly the same. And the most important thing that hadn't changed...the thing that mattered most to me...was that the few people remaining whom I'd known all those years ago, STILL loved Jesus with a great passion and zeal! Though Pastor Dan is nearing retirement, he still came from around that pulpit, got up close, and spoke to us emphatically about our need to focus on JESUS and live for Him! Betty, though having experienced many trials, was still filled with praise for our God and an unshakable trust in Him! And in my time of reconnecting with Pastor Dan he said, "Through the years there are some people who come into your life of ministry and you never forget them. You, Evie, are one of those people. I can never forget the excitement that you brought to this place...the life you brought was something that made a difference here. It's so good to see that you have not lost that joy and that passion for our Lord. I can still see it." 
As I drove away, joy filling my soul, tears welling up in my eyes, I paused to give thanks to my God. There truly is no more fulfilling life then one lived fully and completely for Jesus! Can I get an Amen fellow Masterpieces? Don't you want to look back over your life, wade through a sea of beautiful memories, and find yourself swimming endlessly in all of the ways that God graciously chose to use you for His glory in His world? You have immeasurable purpose and value as His child! May you be known as one who never changes...never changes in your love, joy and passion for Jesus! He's worth it!!