A Life Worth Sharing...

Screaming and giggling. Kids everywhere. Parents interacting. Sometimes trying to rest against a wall and escape the whirlwind. The sheer delight and terror of a kids birthday birthday.

I began a conversation with a quiet woman next to me. It seemed as if the Spirit of God ushered me into a sacred space and whispered, “share your stories.” And so it began. So many stories. One after the other.

After introducing myself I told of Elizabeth’s adoption. The open invitation encompassing our home. The beauty of a welcoming and safe community we offer Chinese immigrants. The Africans studying in the States who find in our home a place of respite and laughter. Our church. The 250 people who worship together. And the 23 different languages spoken by the members. The birthday parties for 180 people. 180 people comprising homeless families, neighbors, school friends, or a single Mom befriended at a grocery store. The inability to pay bills and the knocks at the door. The words. God told me to give you $2,000. $500. The inclusive nature of our lives. 

No matter who you are. You matter to God. You matter to us.

Her eyes grew wide. Wonder evident in her gaze. Her face softened. She smiled. The smile remained through our conversation. She finally remarked, “I am not a Christian, but your life has touched me. You do so much for others.”

It is in these moments that I sense the pleasure of God. I am witness to my obedience. It is a life lived out of who He has made me.

In these conversations I know who I am...and Whose I am. I sense the wonder of being His masterpiece. I know the joy of walking in my gifting. Of fulfilling my purpose. 

I am doing those things that He prepared for me in advance.

My life intersected her life. God knew her story. He knew how and who would best communicate His heart to her. He chose me.  

Each preceding moment helps me to be more aware. More present. And more available. I am ready, willing and confident in my story. Because it is His story lived through me. His gifting lived from within me.

As I live out of my gifting each day, I collect stories to use for another day. History builds. 

Moment. By. Moment.

I am a collector of moments. Of stories. And my deepest desire is to live fully in each moment. Intentionally being His masterpiece. And witnessing the power of God at work in and through me. Changing history. One life at a time. One story at a time. As His Masterpiece.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the worst Mom of them all? 

And with all of the condemnation and judgement the mirror could muster, it landed its hurtful blow. You. 

Snow White is no match for you.

The car is relatively quiet. Our Vacation Bible School CD is playing some of our favorite tunes. Occasionally I hear my 5 year old say, “Mom, look at this” as a picture book is turned toward me for my enjoyment. My frequent response, “I can’t look while I’m driving.” I cannot help but remember how my husband talked of his experience while driving our daughter to kindergarten. He spoke of laughter, singing, learning new things, talking.

Our family dog begins neurotically jumping from the front of the car to the back. I am getting increasingly agitated as I push him in his seat. Why did I ever think it a good idea to bring this untrained dog? My tone is obviously impatient and filled with frustration as I attempt to demand obedience through my exasperation.

We arrive at school. As if in a fairytale, I attempt an idyllic goodbye scene. Am I delusional or simply unwilling to acknowledge the tension permeating the car?

“Mom, just drop me off”, my daughter says with an air of independence and a hint of anxiety. Feeling so flustered I do not even know how to make that happen. The parking lot is full. The dog is still on the move. My anger at the dog is mounting. And I am still delusionally clinging to my desire for an idyllic goodbye moment.

In the middle of my outburst my ears flood with her S.O.S. cry. “Mom. Listen to the song. Do you hear the song Mom? It’s so peaceful. It’s so much more fun when you’re peaceful.”

Pause. Enter time warp. The world shifts into slow motion around me.

When is it ever appropriate for a 5 year old to feel it necessary to bring calm to a parent?

I sought her forgiveness and then I drove home in tears. The heaviness; unbearable. My internal world seemed shipwrecked on a sailboat being tossed about in a gale wind. I could not keep up with all of the thoughts flooding my mind.

Quit. Quit. Quit. Quit every single thing you are doing outside of taking care of your little family. It’s all I could think about as feelings of failure overtook my being.

And then, seeing my complete vulnerability, the deeper darkness came in with its razor sharp harpoon.

She will need therapy because of you. She will never see God accurately because of you. She will disconnect from you and live in fear of you. When you are old she won’t spend time with you.

And. Then. He. Spoke.

Look at all of those accusations. What is the common word? I looked at the words on the journal page as if searching for buried treasure.

You.

The answer. It is you. And that is not the answer.

When did I become so powerful?

When did my daughter’s life trajectory depend on me?

I repented of my actions before the Lord. I wept in His presence and confessed my inadequacies. I talked to Him about the stress I carry because I have yet to learn how to set and maintain healthy margins. My Lord and I talked about how this stress manifests in my family in ugly ways that need to change.

I am not proud of that moment in the car. But that moment does not define me or my daughter’s future. And. That. Is. The. Truth.

As a parent I have an incredible responsibility to model Christlike behavior before my child. God has given me the opportunity to be His representative in her life. And sometimes I will fail. But my failures are never the final word.

God is writing His story of redemption through both of us. He started a good work in both of us and He will finish it. But it will not be complete until Jesus returns for us (Php 1:6).

God knows the happenings of yesterday, today, and tomorrow (Ps 139:16). That means He knew about today’s epic Mom failure moment. And that is liberating. It is just a moment.

My great hope is to pick her up from school and have a different kind of moment.

A moment where God shines and peace fills the air.

When you hear the darkness speak, remember that the word you is a weapon meant to paralyze us with fear and keep us focused on self. God holds us and our children in His hands. Our futures belong to Him and His good plans.

Our lives are made up of moments. Just moments. And if God can raise the dead, He can heal a moment. So today, dear Masterpieces, know that the God who calls you by Name is doing a beautiful work in you...moment by moment.

From Everything to Nothing...

Most of us are familiar with the story of Ruth. It has romance. Chivalry. It ends well.

Yet I believe there is a part of her story that we need to sit with. The part that allows us to notice the God who highlights stories of women on purpose. He is a God Who longs for us to experience a deeper sense of His awareness of our hearts. To remind us that we are known, valued and significant.

In Ruth 1 we are made aware of the tragedy. Deceased husbands. Childless women. Scarce income. Heart wrenching choices to be made.

There comes a point of parting and clinging. Naomi must return to her homeland. It is time to leave this foreign land. One daughter-in-law agrees to part ways. Ruth commits to companionship. Ruth vows allegiance to a country not her own, a God not of her people, a land not of her birth. She chooses to relinquish a fresh start in favor of a journey alongside of a despondent woman. Ruth makes an almost incomprehensible sacrifice.

The trek to Naomi’s homeland begins. The women set out together. Ruth at Naomi’s side; a sacrificial presence. As they near Bethlehem, the townspeople see Naomi coming. Excitement and questions fill the air. There is disbelief. Wonderment. The women speak out. Could their friend Naomi really be home?

And then it happens. Imagine you are Ruth. Standing there. Right next to Naomi.

The words are spoken.

The. Lord. Has. Brought. Me. Back. Empty.

Pause. Really pause...

Ruth gave up everything. She chose a life of sacrifice. And she is viewed as nothing. Her value...insignificant. In Naomi’s bitterness she overlooks the companionship and sacrifice of Ruth and focuses only on what she does not have. In her despondency, Naomi is blinded to who is standing faithfully...quietly...right beside her.

Dearest Masterpieces. Many of us can relate to this moment in history. We choose lives of sacrifice for family and friends. We care for an ungrateful mother-in-law. We cook a meal for someone in need while dead tired. We listen tenderly to a hurting person while our own hearts desperately desire healing. We open our homes instead of cleaning them. We serve friends who choose not to serve us in return. We give of ourselves with no thanks. We often work unseen, late into the night. Sometimes, well oftentimes, these decisions make it necessary to put our own hopes and dreams on hold. Sometimes, our choices leave our dreams unfulfilled.

Putting hopes and dreams on hold is difficult. A life of sacrifice is not the easiest road to walk. 

Yet, we know that God is ever present on the journey.

I love that God chose a beautiful ending for the story of Ruth. I love that even when Naomi could not see Ruth, God saw her. I love that despite Naomi’s lack of gratitude, it never changed the character of Ruth. Ruth remained faithful. And God honored Ruth by conferring a value on her that will remain for all of time. She is named in the lineage of Jesus. Wow!

Masterpiece of God. Please remember this; in the middle of your life of sacrifice, God is writing a beautiful story. He sees you. He knows you by name. You are His beloved daughter. And when no one else sees your tears, He is keenly aware of each one that falls to the ground. He holds your heart as you wrestle with dreams put on hold or dreams left unfulfilled.

So as you stand there faithfully. Sacrificially. Potentially being undervalued or seen as insignificant. Cling to this truth as Ruth clung to Naomi; you are His Masterpiece... and the final page of your story has yet to be written.

Glory and Praise...

Philippians 1:9-11

I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation - the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ - 

for this will bring much glory and praise to God.

Beautiful Masterpiece, may this be your prayer today not only for yourself, but for your sisters. It is easy to lose focus and get off course. The daily grind and subsequent challenges can be overwhelming. We can succumb to survival mode and forget to thrive.

Let’s make the choice today to remember this important truth; 

He created us and called us to live a life that brings Him glory and praise. 

May we recommit to loving lavishing. To growth. To pausing to reflect on and live out what really matters. To a purity of heart and mind that reflects the presence of our Savior. To consistently assessing whether our thoughts and actions depict the character of Christ. And to meditating on what that all really means.

As His beautiful daughters, we have a vital role in His world. Because of who He is, we have value and purpose for being. We are His Masterpieces. He delights in shaping our lives to reflect more of Him. 

And so today, dearest Masterpiece, before family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, classmates...let Him use you for His glory and praise...

Grief and Truth: Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. It is a day of celebration. Mostly.

There was a moment in 1989 that changed the course of my life. Doctors informed me that the loss of my ovaries meant that I would be unable to have children. At 19 I did not fully grasp the ramifications of those words.

Fast forward to the end of 1993. I met and eventually fell in love with an amazing man of God. Suddenly, that fateful moment in 1989 collided with the present moment.

Sam loves the Lord with his entire being. As a teenager he committed his life to the ministry. He waited and prayed for God to send him a woman who shared his passion for Jesus, as well as a desire for a life in ministry. He found that in me. Yet somehow...I felt unworthy and flawed.

Questions flooded my mind. What plagued me most; wonderment at Sam’s capacity to accept my inability to bear him children of his own. He loved children. I knew he held the honored position of favorite uncle.

After many discussions, Sam at 22 and me at 27, determined to make several covenants between ourselves and the Lord. We agreed that God had His hand on our lives for a specific and unique purpose. We felt a calling to unite and make an eternal difference in people’s lives. In faith, we agreed to accept my infertility. Sam committed to never hold it against me. And finally, we covenanted to trust the Lord with our hearts and any future grief.

I found it easier to celebrate Mother’s Day as a younger woman. Most in my circle of friends still had Moms to celebrate and had not yet started their own families. Somehow I still fit within a perceived societal norm.

As the years passed, and married friends began their families, my grief activated. I also began to feel silently guilty for being unable to give Sam a family of his own. 

Once a day of celebration, Mother’s Day embarked on its descent toward 

the dreaded day of humiliation.

As the humiliation and shame flooded my soul, two choices arose. I could either embrace my grief and believe the truth, or be miserable. As odd as it sounds to make a choice toward misery, it is actually the easier choice. I knew this because misery had been my companion over the years. With misery by my side, I believed I could harden my heart, protect myself from future pain, and avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings and people. And most importantly, it allowed me to bypass dealing honestly with my beliefs about God’s goodness.

I made the difficult choice. I chose to embrace my grief. To feel it. To sit with it. 

And, I began my journey toward the truth.

It is difficult to intermingle grief and truth. Truth involves selflessness. I hugged and laughed with friends announcing pregnancies while simultaneously sitting with my sadness. I lavishly celebrated at baby showers while feeling the sting of isolation and pain. I willingly accepted the invitation to place my hand on a friends belly, while feeling the emptiness of my own womb. I expressed my heartfelt “Happy Mother’s Day” to Moms at church, while feeling conspicuously passed over as they all stood to be honored with flowers.

It is anticipated and even the norm for women to bear their own children and become Moms. Really, it is almost expected. As the proverbial biological clock ticks we often hear people counting down the minutes on our behalf. After all, God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). God speaks highly of the family. After all, He did institute it, right?

But please hear me. As infertile women, we are not flawed. We are not lacking. We are not less than. There is no clock ticking in the universe that will time out and somehow prove to us that we have missed our most significant calling. And our families, if instituted through adoption, foster care, or any other unconventional means, are not inferior.

As we sit in that space of embracing life as it is, may we dive deeply into this truth. As women, we share something profoundly more valuable in common. We are all children of God (Galatians 3:26). He made every one of us amazing women in His image (Genesis 1:27). He has a daily plan for our lives (Psalm 139:16).

Dearest woman of God; believe the truth. We have purpose for being here whether or not we ever have children. “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:10). Notice what it does not say; as Moms you will do this or accomplish that. No, no. A thousand times no.

As a masterpiece, you have been uniquely created with the talent, personality and gifts necessary to do something profound in this world. Whatever. That. Is. You are His daughter. He delights in you.

Do not let the culture dictate your truth or this world influence how you view yourself. God has conferred a value on you that cannot be shaken, stolen, or altered. You are His masterpiece! And it is this truth, that in my infertility, has kept me journeying toward God and not hiding in shame.

I chose to embrace my life as an infertile woman and live into the purposes and plans of God for me. Whatever. They. Might. Be. And during that 16 year season of learning to embody grief, selflessness, and the truth of my worth, God used me to do significant and lasting things in this world. Yes, He is good.

For further reflection see the post entitled The Jesus Room.

Choosing to Flourish...

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11, an often used Scriptural encouragement, is only relevant and meaningful if you read and grapple with the context of this promise. This encouraging promise was written for a people struggling within a season of suffering...hardship...a time of displacement and uncertainty. God's people were living in captivity; a place difficult to call "home". 

God told the children of Israel that it would be 70 years...yes seventy years, before He would, in essence, rescue them out of captivity and bring them back to their true place of residence. Ugh…what a long season. Yet in the midst of their captivity, God invited them to flourish. He instructed them to eat from their gardens, marry, build homes, have children and grandchildren, and to pray for their community. During their season of waiting...during this time of sitting within hardship...He invited them to keep living...to participate in things that are life giving. He knew that this was only possible if they prepared their hearts to settle in...to stay. 

We often miss the wonder of today's pain because our focus is on anticipated future release. While we long for dancing...we forget that the sweet and jubilant steps of dancing are birthed after a season of mourning. Yet in His faithfulness, God reminds us of what it is to thrive through each moment. 

There is a significant difference between "making the best of it" and "flourishing". Making the best of it tends to have negative connotations; as if one must endure almost needlessly. Flourishing infuses purpose within waiting and difficulty. It breaths life over difficulty as it invites us to bloom where we are planted and become beautiful amidst the trials we face.

While we sit in these hard places, we can choose to hold our hands open wide in sweet release and focus our thoughts on the God who understands our pain…the One who is acquainted with suffering…the One who Himself wished for things to be different. As we listen to His words, as recorded in Mark 14:36, may we find strength in similar verbiage. “Abba, Father,” He cried out, “everything is possible for You. Please take this cup of suffering away from Me. Yet I want Your will to be done, not Mine.” 

Beautiful Masterpieces…Choose life. Bloom where you’re planted. It’s not just about surviving…it’s about thriving! It’s about fiercely flourishing!! And we can choose it!

The Jesus Room...

When you follow Jesus...really follow Him, you realize that your life is not truly your own. You can't possibly read verses like "If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for My sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it" (Mark 8:35), or "Then He said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be My follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow Me" (Luke 9:23) and think that being a genuine lover of Jesus means living a comfortable or easy life. Following Jesus is a radical decision that provides life altering outcomes.

I don't remember how I met her. I just know that God brings people into my life when they need Him. She was young, well dressed, and smelled of sweet perfume. According to the world's standards she was beautiful. Yet as she talked, so much more of the depth of her began to emerge. I could see it in her eyes; the hollow look of an empty soul longing for someone...something to fill it.

Her story was like many others I'd heard. She was married, had a child, and was desperately unhappy. Her husband had an anger problem...and his hands on her body would often become the means to which he released the destructive fire that raged in his soul. She lived fearful...and wounded...scarred by the emotional verbiage that accompanied the physical blows. The only questions for which she desperately needed answers involved where she would go and what would she do next?

It would have been easy to listen sympathetically, tell her how much God loved her, cared about her struggle, and would provide for her; because all of those things are very true. It would have made perfect sense to pray for her, hug her, and let her know that I'd continue trusting in our great God to "work all things together for the good in her life" (Romans 8:28). And it would have been easy and made complete sense to give her the number for the local shelter. After all, there is normally at least one shelter in any given town.

But... I can't embrace that way of living. It seems too easy. It feels like a life meticulously  crafted...crafted to keep me insulated from uncomfortably engaging the pain and hardship of others. It seems so contrary to Mark 8:35 and Luke 9:23. And it really seems to fly in the face of 1 Thessalonians 2:8, "We loved you so much that we shared with you not only God’s Good News but our own lives, too." Share my life...what does that mean?

For our family, it means that we have The Jesus Room in our house. We've had this room for 18 years now (and we often have 2 now). But when this young woman walked into our life, we were in the first few years of providing this sacred space of refuge. The room was freshly painted with a soft blue sky that gently cascaded over a chair rail border of white lounge chairs. Below the chairs a beige color circled about creating a landscape of inviting sand. The scene, chosen intentionally, beckoned sojourners to walk restfully beside the Savior and release their heavy cares and burdens. It was into this room that we invited people to find rest, healing, hope, restoration, and redemption. And it was in this room that the embrace of Jesus found its way around this woman's heart as she gained her footing and figured out her next step.

Our Jesus Room does not provide an abundance of expressed gratitude. Oftentimes we've known the dishonesty of guests. We've understood the meaning of ingratitude from those still incapable of seeing, let alone reaching, beyond themselves. It's cost us money we did not have to give. It's cost us time we could have spent on ourselves....on our comfort...our leisure.

But when I think of my Savior, with nowhere to lay His head (see Matt 8:20), or Who when seeking  rest would see the needs of others and be so moved with compassion that He'd engage their deepest heart cries once again (see Mark 6:30-34), I find it difficult to focus so much energy on living a life that costs me so little....or almost nothing.

When that young woman left our home, her life was still very messy and she was still not as teachable as we would have hoped. During her time with us we'd struggled to figure out how to embody lavish love, heartfelt forgiveness, and wisdom, while inviting genuine ownership for decisions made. It was a delicate dance on an oftentimes crumbling dance floor. But...we did it...not perfectly...but we did it.

This blog post comes now, 10 or more years after our lives intersected, because this young woman recently wrote me a note. To say I was shocked is an understatement. The letter came just days after we'd moved a Chinese Mom and her daughter out of one of our Jesus Rooms. I was at a place of reflection and God used this note to inspire me and remind me that the life He has called me to live...our family to live...is not an extraordinary life. It is the Christian life...it is simply a continuation of His life...

And so I invite you to reflect...How are you continuing His life? I truly hope that the life that you are living is costing you something wondrous...and that you realize that a life lived for Him is not extraordinary...it is the beautiful ordinary...the beautiful ordinary of the Christ follower.

Extra Note: I've put her letter below in case knowing what she said would provide encouragement to anyone needing to be reminded of the beauty behind..."So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. 10 Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith" (Galatians 6:9-10).

Evie- 

I'm not sure you remember me, but my daughter and I stayed with you for a little while. I was sorta a mess then and I'm not sure I ever said thank you. I'm also not sure words can express how grateful I am for the influence you had in my life. Because of your influence, I have an amazing husband who loves The Lord above all, I have a career, I am a 6th grade youth leader and sit on a board of directors that helps young pregnant girls with no where to go. I learned from you a passion for God and a love for people. I have found a joy for serving others. I'm so sorry it took this long to express my gratitude, but if you wonder if you ever make a difference, you do! I'm proof. 

Ever so grateful,

Some Things Never Change...

In March of 1988 I asked Jesus to be my Savior. In July of 1988 I vacationed with my family in Frankfort MI. I was a brand new believer...had little sense of what it meant to have Christian friends or to be a part of God's family. I knew that I really wanted to attend church while on vacation, so I looked in the phone book (yep we did that back then) for a Bible Church. I was so excited to find one nearby! I made my way to worship on Sunday and found myself driving down an old country road and then standing in front of a teeny tiny wooden church! As I entered, I met people who were so full of love! They took me in as if they'd been waiting for my arrival for years! Pastor Dan became my first Pastor and Betty provided an introduction to the concept of an older woman mentor. The people genuinely enjoyed my excitement for the Lord and appreciated the hearty AMEN's that I let ring out...and oh how they reverberated off of the walls and filled up that tiny little church! Some of the members faithfully picked me up for Sunday night service, Wednesday night service, and any special event happening during the week. I LOVED my summer with them!

Imagine my delight when I visited again...in 2014! Though the tiny little church was gone, so much else had remained exactly the same. And the most important thing that hadn't changed...the thing that mattered most to me...was that the few people remaining whom I'd known all those years ago, STILL loved Jesus with a great passion and zeal! Though Pastor Dan is nearing retirement, he still came from around that pulpit, got up close, and spoke to us emphatically about our need to focus on JESUS and live for Him! Betty, though having experienced many trials, was still filled with praise for our God and an unshakable trust in Him! And in my time of reconnecting with Pastor Dan he said, "Through the years there are some people who come into your life of ministry and you never forget them. You, Evie, are one of those people. I can never forget the excitement that you brought to this place...the life you brought was something that made a difference here. It's so good to see that you have not lost that joy and that passion for our Lord. I can still see it." 
As I drove away, joy filling my soul, tears welling up in my eyes, I paused to give thanks to my God. There truly is no more fulfilling life then one lived fully and completely for Jesus! Can I get an Amen fellow Masterpieces? Don't you want to look back over your life, wade through a sea of beautiful memories, and find yourself swimming endlessly in all of the ways that God graciously chose to use you for His glory in His world? You have immeasurable purpose and value as His child! May you be known as one who never changes...never changes in your love, joy and passion for Jesus! He's worth it!!