A Life Worth Sharing...

Screaming and giggling. Kids everywhere. Parents interacting. Sometimes trying to rest against a wall and escape the whirlwind. The sheer delight and terror of a kids birthday birthday.

I began a conversation with a quiet woman next to me. It seemed as if the Spirit of God ushered me into a sacred space and whispered, “share your stories.” And so it began. So many stories. One after the other.

After introducing myself I told of Elizabeth’s adoption. The open invitation encompassing our home. The beauty of a welcoming and safe community we offer Chinese immigrants. The Africans studying in the States who find in our home a place of respite and laughter. Our church. The 250 people who worship together. And the 23 different languages spoken by the members. The birthday parties for 180 people. 180 people comprising homeless families, neighbors, school friends, or a single Mom befriended at a grocery store. The inability to pay bills and the knocks at the door. The words. God told me to give you $2,000. $500. The inclusive nature of our lives. 

No matter who you are. You matter to God. You matter to us.

Her eyes grew wide. Wonder evident in her gaze. Her face softened. She smiled. The smile remained through our conversation. She finally remarked, “I am not a Christian, but your life has touched me. You do so much for others.”

It is in these moments that I sense the pleasure of God. I am witness to my obedience. It is a life lived out of who He has made me.

In these conversations I know who I am...and Whose I am. I sense the wonder of being His masterpiece. I know the joy of walking in my gifting. Of fulfilling my purpose. 

I am doing those things that He prepared for me in advance.

My life intersected her life. God knew her story. He knew how and who would best communicate His heart to her. He chose me.  

Each preceding moment helps me to be more aware. More present. And more available. I am ready, willing and confident in my story. Because it is His story lived through me. His gifting lived from within me.

As I live out of my gifting each day, I collect stories to use for another day. History builds. 

Moment. By. Moment.

I am a collector of moments. Of stories. And my deepest desire is to live fully in each moment. Intentionally being His masterpiece. And witnessing the power of God at work in and through me. Changing history. One life at a time. One story at a time. As His Masterpiece.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the worst Mom of them all? 

And with all of the condemnation and judgement the mirror could muster, it landed its hurtful blow. You. 

Snow White is no match for you.

The car is relatively quiet. Our Vacation Bible School CD is playing some of our favorite tunes. Occasionally I hear my 5 year old say, “Mom, look at this” as a picture book is turned toward me for my enjoyment. My frequent response, “I can’t look while I’m driving.” I cannot help but remember how my husband talked of his experience while driving our daughter to kindergarten. He spoke of laughter, singing, learning new things, talking.

Our family dog begins neurotically jumping from the front of the car to the back. I am getting increasingly agitated as I push him in his seat. Why did I ever think it a good idea to bring this untrained dog? My tone is obviously impatient and filled with frustration as I attempt to demand obedience through my exasperation.

We arrive at school. As if in a fairytale, I attempt an idyllic goodbye scene. Am I delusional or simply unwilling to acknowledge the tension permeating the car?

“Mom, just drop me off”, my daughter says with an air of independence and a hint of anxiety. Feeling so flustered I do not even know how to make that happen. The parking lot is full. The dog is still on the move. My anger at the dog is mounting. And I am still delusionally clinging to my desire for an idyllic goodbye moment.

In the middle of my outburst my ears flood with her S.O.S. cry. “Mom. Listen to the song. Do you hear the song Mom? It’s so peaceful. It’s so much more fun when you’re peaceful.”

Pause. Enter time warp. The world shifts into slow motion around me.

When is it ever appropriate for a 5 year old to feel it necessary to bring calm to a parent?

I sought her forgiveness and then I drove home in tears. The heaviness; unbearable. My internal world seemed shipwrecked on a sailboat being tossed about in a gale wind. I could not keep up with all of the thoughts flooding my mind.

Quit. Quit. Quit. Quit every single thing you are doing outside of taking care of your little family. It’s all I could think about as feelings of failure overtook my being.

And then, seeing my complete vulnerability, the deeper darkness came in with its razor sharp harpoon.

She will need therapy because of you. She will never see God accurately because of you. She will disconnect from you and live in fear of you. When you are old she won’t spend time with you.

And. Then. He. Spoke.

Look at all of those accusations. What is the common word? I looked at the words on the journal page as if searching for buried treasure.

You.

The answer. It is you. And that is not the answer.

When did I become so powerful?

When did my daughter’s life trajectory depend on me?

I repented of my actions before the Lord. I wept in His presence and confessed my inadequacies. I talked to Him about the stress I carry because I have yet to learn how to set and maintain healthy margins. My Lord and I talked about how this stress manifests in my family in ugly ways that need to change.

I am not proud of that moment in the car. But that moment does not define me or my daughter’s future. And. That. Is. The. Truth.

As a parent I have an incredible responsibility to model Christlike behavior before my child. God has given me the opportunity to be His representative in her life. And sometimes I will fail. But my failures are never the final word.

God is writing His story of redemption through both of us. He started a good work in both of us and He will finish it. But it will not be complete until Jesus returns for us (Php 1:6).

God knows the happenings of yesterday, today, and tomorrow (Ps 139:16). That means He knew about today’s epic Mom failure moment. And that is liberating. It is just a moment.

My great hope is to pick her up from school and have a different kind of moment.

A moment where God shines and peace fills the air.

When you hear the darkness speak, remember that the word you is a weapon meant to paralyze us with fear and keep us focused on self. God holds us and our children in His hands. Our futures belong to Him and His good plans.

Our lives are made up of moments. Just moments. And if God can raise the dead, He can heal a moment. So today, dear Masterpieces, know that the God who calls you by Name is doing a beautiful work in you...moment by moment.

From Everything to Nothing...

Most of us are familiar with the story of Ruth. It has romance. Chivalry. It ends well.

Yet I believe there is a part of her story that we need to sit with. The part that allows us to notice the God who highlights stories of women on purpose. He is a God Who longs for us to experience a deeper sense of His awareness of our hearts. To remind us that we are known, valued and significant.

In Ruth 1 we are made aware of the tragedy. Deceased husbands. Childless women. Scarce income. Heart wrenching choices to be made.

There comes a point of parting and clinging. Naomi must return to her homeland. It is time to leave this foreign land. One daughter-in-law agrees to part ways. Ruth commits to companionship. Ruth vows allegiance to a country not her own, a God not of her people, a land not of her birth. She chooses to relinquish a fresh start in favor of a journey alongside of a despondent woman. Ruth makes an almost incomprehensible sacrifice.

The trek to Naomi’s homeland begins. The women set out together. Ruth at Naomi’s side; a sacrificial presence. As they near Bethlehem, the townspeople see Naomi coming. Excitement and questions fill the air. There is disbelief. Wonderment. The women speak out. Could their friend Naomi really be home?

And then it happens. Imagine you are Ruth. Standing there. Right next to Naomi.

The words are spoken.

The. Lord. Has. Brought. Me. Back. Empty.

Pause. Really pause...

Ruth gave up everything. She chose a life of sacrifice. And she is viewed as nothing. Her value...insignificant. In Naomi’s bitterness she overlooks the companionship and sacrifice of Ruth and focuses only on what she does not have. In her despondency, Naomi is blinded to who is standing faithfully...quietly...right beside her.

Dearest Masterpieces. Many of us can relate to this moment in history. We choose lives of sacrifice for family and friends. We care for an ungrateful mother-in-law. We cook a meal for someone in need while dead tired. We listen tenderly to a hurting person while our own hearts desperately desire healing. We open our homes instead of cleaning them. We serve friends who choose not to serve us in return. We give of ourselves with no thanks. We often work unseen, late into the night. Sometimes, well oftentimes, these decisions make it necessary to put our own hopes and dreams on hold. Sometimes, our choices leave our dreams unfulfilled.

Putting hopes and dreams on hold is difficult. A life of sacrifice is not the easiest road to walk. 

Yet, we know that God is ever present on the journey.

I love that God chose a beautiful ending for the story of Ruth. I love that even when Naomi could not see Ruth, God saw her. I love that despite Naomi’s lack of gratitude, it never changed the character of Ruth. Ruth remained faithful. And God honored Ruth by conferring a value on her that will remain for all of time. She is named in the lineage of Jesus. Wow!

Masterpiece of God. Please remember this; in the middle of your life of sacrifice, God is writing a beautiful story. He sees you. He knows you by name. You are His beloved daughter. And when no one else sees your tears, He is keenly aware of each one that falls to the ground. He holds your heart as you wrestle with dreams put on hold or dreams left unfulfilled.

So as you stand there faithfully. Sacrificially. Potentially being undervalued or seen as insignificant. Cling to this truth as Ruth clung to Naomi; you are His Masterpiece... and the final page of your story has yet to be written.

Glory and Praise...

Philippians 1:9-11

I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation - the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ - 

for this will bring much glory and praise to God.

Beautiful Masterpiece, may this be your prayer today not only for yourself, but for your sisters. It is easy to lose focus and get off course. The daily grind and subsequent challenges can be overwhelming. We can succumb to survival mode and forget to thrive.

Let’s make the choice today to remember this important truth; 

He created us and called us to live a life that brings Him glory and praise. 

May we recommit to loving lavishing. To growth. To pausing to reflect on and live out what really matters. To a purity of heart and mind that reflects the presence of our Savior. To consistently assessing whether our thoughts and actions depict the character of Christ. And to meditating on what that all really means.

As His beautiful daughters, we have a vital role in His world. Because of who He is, we have value and purpose for being. We are His Masterpieces. He delights in shaping our lives to reflect more of Him. 

And so today, dearest Masterpiece, before family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, classmates...let Him use you for His glory and praise...

Grief and Truth: Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. It is a day of celebration. Mostly.

There was a moment in 1989 that changed the course of my life. Doctors informed me that the loss of my ovaries meant that I would be unable to have children. At 19 I did not fully grasp the ramifications of those words.

Fast forward to the end of 1993. I met and eventually fell in love with an amazing man of God. Suddenly, that fateful moment in 1989 collided with the present moment.

Sam loves the Lord with his entire being. As a teenager he committed his life to the ministry. He waited and prayed for God to send him a woman who shared his passion for Jesus, as well as a desire for a life in ministry. He found that in me. Yet somehow...I felt unworthy and flawed.

Questions flooded my mind. What plagued me most; wonderment at Sam’s capacity to accept my inability to bear him children of his own. He loved children. I knew he held the honored position of favorite uncle.

After many discussions, Sam at 22 and me at 27, determined to make several covenants between ourselves and the Lord. We agreed that God had His hand on our lives for a specific and unique purpose. We felt a calling to unite and make an eternal difference in people’s lives. In faith, we agreed to accept my infertility. Sam committed to never hold it against me. And finally, we covenanted to trust the Lord with our hearts and any future grief.

I found it easier to celebrate Mother’s Day as a younger woman. Most in my circle of friends still had Moms to celebrate and had not yet started their own families. Somehow I still fit within a perceived societal norm.

As the years passed, and married friends began their families, my grief activated. I also began to feel silently guilty for being unable to give Sam a family of his own. 

Once a day of celebration, Mother’s Day embarked on its descent toward 

the dreaded day of humiliation.

As the humiliation and shame flooded my soul, two choices arose. I could either embrace my grief and believe the truth, or be miserable. As odd as it sounds to make a choice toward misery, it is actually the easier choice. I knew this because misery had been my companion over the years. With misery by my side, I believed I could harden my heart, protect myself from future pain, and avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings and people. And most importantly, it allowed me to bypass dealing honestly with my beliefs about God’s goodness.

I made the difficult choice. I chose to embrace my grief. To feel it. To sit with it. 

And, I began my journey toward the truth.

It is difficult to intermingle grief and truth. Truth involves selflessness. I hugged and laughed with friends announcing pregnancies while simultaneously sitting with my sadness. I lavishly celebrated at baby showers while feeling the sting of isolation and pain. I willingly accepted the invitation to place my hand on a friends belly, while feeling the emptiness of my own womb. I expressed my heartfelt “Happy Mother’s Day” to Moms at church, while feeling conspicuously passed over as they all stood to be honored with flowers.

It is anticipated and even the norm for women to bear their own children and become Moms. Really, it is almost expected. As the proverbial biological clock ticks we often hear people counting down the minutes on our behalf. After all, God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). God speaks highly of the family. After all, He did institute it, right?

But please hear me. As infertile women, we are not flawed. We are not lacking. We are not less than. There is no clock ticking in the universe that will time out and somehow prove to us that we have missed our most significant calling. And our families, if instituted through adoption, foster care, or any other unconventional means, are not inferior.

As we sit in that space of embracing life as it is, may we dive deeply into this truth. As women, we share something profoundly more valuable in common. We are all children of God (Galatians 3:26). He made every one of us amazing women in His image (Genesis 1:27). He has a daily plan for our lives (Psalm 139:16).

Dearest woman of God; believe the truth. We have purpose for being here whether or not we ever have children. “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:10). Notice what it does not say; as Moms you will do this or accomplish that. No, no. A thousand times no.

As a masterpiece, you have been uniquely created with the talent, personality and gifts necessary to do something profound in this world. Whatever. That. Is. You are His daughter. He delights in you.

Do not let the culture dictate your truth or this world influence how you view yourself. God has conferred a value on you that cannot be shaken, stolen, or altered. You are His masterpiece! And it is this truth, that in my infertility, has kept me journeying toward God and not hiding in shame.

I chose to embrace my life as an infertile woman and live into the purposes and plans of God for me. Whatever. They. Might. Be. And during that 16 year season of learning to embody grief, selflessness, and the truth of my worth, God used me to do significant and lasting things in this world. Yes, He is good.

For further reflection see the post entitled The Jesus Room.